The Biography of Kozaks of Metallishtan

The story of the Kozaks begins in the Soviet Russia and particularly in one special republic of the Bitch. To tell the great tale of the Kozaks, I must first tell you something about their cherished homeland and its many wonders.

Not so far in the past there used to live and mine a whole nation called Metallishtan. Their well cherished oblasti (territory), rich in heavy metals, was located somewhere near the republics of Baškortostan and Udmurtia. Also, as comrades and brothers of the Kazaks, the Metallishtan people have been linked to the country we now know as Kazakhstan. But no one knows where this heavenly place was exactly.

Very few of the small population of farmers, miners and alcoholic musicians survived the Soviet invasion. After Mikhail Timofeevich Kalashnikov (born in Kurya, Altai 1919) finished the design of his world famous sub-machine gun the Soviet leaders were ready to take the first step towards turning Metallishtan into one giant metal mine in the late 40’s. With the new invention in their hands they could quickly progress from the borders to the very heart of Metallishtan (also called “Gardens of Metal”). Mercilessly they slaughtered the hairy (Hypertrichosis was common among Metallishtan population due to the vast amounts of various metals in their diet) women and children of the country and took the strongest of men for slaves. Especially many of the alcoholic musicians were killed because of their weak posture and unwillingness to obey authority. Some of the votka (Vodka) immersed men were witty enough to take a leap to middle east and more specifically, Afghanistan with the help of the fellow Kazaks. The ancestors of Petrovsky, Igor and Boris were among these people. Soon the Metallishtan troubadours, also known as the “Horny Bears” according to their homelands national animal, the Horny Bear (lat. Ursus Diabolicus) were famous for their energetic and totally unique performances of votka, urine and quirky tunes, the latter not being the least.

Meanwhile, back in their home country the Soviet generals were executing their cruel plan to wipe out an entire nation. All Metallishtan architecture (rich in detail) was burned down, votka-factories were demolished and the secret formulas (developed through centuries) were stolen. In few years Soviet scientists gained the admiration of the Tsar by manufacturing the purest vodka to date. The Metallishtan people were powerless before the unlimited firepower of the Kalashnikov. As a peaceful folk they did not seek to make weapons from their metals and therefore they were left unshielded. Soon all the women were gone and the long line of Metallishtan blood was about to dry out. The Soviets started importing their own females into the area for producing weak and bony children for the tough mining work. Many of them died because of insufficient technical surveillance and total lack of any humanity from their officers. In the end of the day it were the Metallishtan slaves who stood tall and proud with a ball and chain. Their eyes had adapted to the darkness, their lungs filtered the impurities of the air and their hairy skin protected them from the harshness of the metal and the cutting lashes of Soviet whips. In time, they were gone too and the Soviets were forced to leave the mines for they could not bear the conditions.

All hope was not gone for the Horny Bear troubadours were still gaining success in Afghanistan and the city of Kabul was in their hairy hands. One could hear Metallishtan music in practically every corner of the bazaars and the market salesmen were pushing bootleg clay disks from under their desks like cocaine. Then the inevitable happened. The Russian communist party that had taken the power turned their sight on Afghanistan and started the occupation in December 1979. The country that they had first aided with railroads and oil pipelines was now merely a political toy and a geographical frontline of protection from outside threats. Kabul was conquered before the Afghans could do a thing. But one particular inconvenience that they caused with their tanks and Kalashnikovs was the interruption of the Kozaks of Metallishtan (in short KOM) show. The two Kozaks, Petrovsky and Boris, had formed their group in Afghanistan and they were the offspring of the few survivors of their motherland Metallishtan. They had already lost their bass player, Mikhail, into Bitch Russia’s cold heart Siberia and more was to come. Just as they were performing their most known tune, the Kazakhstan Song, the Soviet soldiers broke the doors of the place and fired their guns on the ceiling. None of the people had heard the roaming tanks outside. They were too ecstatic and focused to see and hear KOM play. Immediately recognized as Metallishtan people, Petrovsky and Boris were taken to custody. They were questioned and tortured in the Soviet military base on the edge of Kabul but help was soon to come. The cocaine loaded fans of KOM had armed themselves to teeth and with the vigorous strength of a Horny Bear they ran down all suppressors and set the Kozaks free. For protection the KOM men joined the guerilla groups of the mountains. As their honorary members the Kozaks took part in ambushing Russian colonies and crippling their arms supplies. But still afraid of total extinction of Metallishtan people, the two Horny Bears fled the country and started their long journey towards the north. They had seen the Soviets come to Metallishtan and now to Afghanistan and they weren’t sure if any place was safe enough for them. So they traveled even more north until they saw the gleaming shores of Helsinki, Finland. Immediately they sensed that they were at home. These people were crazy alcoholics too and they had an endless craving for metal music.

Finally, from Northern Ostrobothnia (a northern region of Finland) they found another Metallishtan brother, Igor, and also pottuviina, a strong spirit made out of potatoes. They electrified their sound to meet the standards of the modern world and started to record their unique musical pieces. You may have heard about these three men that are spreading the word of the Metallishtan power and might. Their names may have left your lips and your head may have ached after hearing their music. Yes, they are the Kozaks of Metallishtan, the last of the brave nation of the Horny Bear.